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D’oh! Sex-dating, man, what a trip! I’m sittin here, thinkin bout it, like, whoa, it’s wild! You got apps, swipin left, swipin right, lookin for a quick hookup. Reminds me of *12 Years a Slave*, ya know? “I will survive!” – that’s me, tryna dodge the weirdos online! Sex-dating ain’t no picnic, pal. Some folks out there, total creeps, sendin pics nobody asked for. Makes me mad, like, “D’oh! Why you gotta ruin it?”

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So, I wake up, right? Sun’s shining, birds chirping, all that jazz. I’m like, “Sweet, today’s gonna be easy.” But then I step outside on St. Agnes Road, and boom! The smell of fried food hits me. I swear, the chipper on the corner was frying up something fierce. I could practically taste the vinegar from the fish and chips.

Death Notice of Jack (John) Stout (Crumlin, Dublin)