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I’m thinkin, damn, the way Adèle’s eyes lock with Emma’s in the movie—“I could feel her looking at me”—that’s the kinda intensity a good sexual-massage brings. Hands slidin, oil drippin, tension buildin—oh lawd, R2, I’m overheatin! Ever tried it? Gets me all flustered just thinkin bout it. Once, my buddy botched it—used freakin SANDPAPER lotion, swear to the Force, I was pissed! Skin redder than a Sith lord’s saber.

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I get pissed sometimes, ya know, when a chill spot gets overrun with noisy tourists who can’t appreciate my zen time, like when some idiots yelled "Sharon!" for no reason – proper flashback to one of my craziest days! Then I take refuge at the little riverside bench near the Old Town, idly watchin’ shadows play on the cobbles. Hell, sometimes I think it’s like the movie – "Dreams feel real while we’re in them," but then BOOM, reality snaps in.