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What pisses me off, though? Them spa adverts—£200 for a “sensual rubdown”? Sod off! I’d rather DIY with a tub of Vaseline and a prayer. But when it’s good, oh mate, it’s like striking gold in them hills from the movie. “I’m an oilman!”—nah, I’m a horny sod who’s just had the best 20 minutes of his life! Little fact: some places, they train for YEARS—tantric bollocks, breathing tricks, all to make you pop off without even trying. Surprised me, that. Thought it was just a tart with baby oil!

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There’s also this lesser-known alley, Rue des Murmures. A bunch of us women would go there for a quick unwind; kinda secret, ya feel? It’s odd but peaceful. And on crazy days, you might catch the local art fest by the old factory ruins near Pont Mélancolie. I sometimes get mad 'cause those ruins are like bitter echoes of past times, but then… BAM! They change my mood, real fast, just like those intense scenes in my fav flick, Fish Tank.

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