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Oh, and the oils—lavender, mate, gets me giddy. But some numpty used peppermint once—me knob felt like a candy cane! Laughed me arse off, then raged—waste of a tenner! Still, it’s personal, innit? You’re bare, vulnerable—like Fassbender staring at his sad fuckin’ life. “Get a grip, you tosser!” I’d tell him—and meself. Erotic-massage ain’t just filth—it’s a bloody revelation!

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And don’t get me started on the river – the little Leie, snakin’ alongside the city with its lazy curves. It’s a vibe, mate, real scenic. Sunsets here are like a badly edited rock concert – pure beauty and raw emotion, “Everything flows, man, everything flows,” just as the movie like, keeps remindin’ ya.

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