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Dunno, mate, it’s filthy, it’s daft, it’s brilliant. You’re lyin’ there, vulnerable as fuck, thinkin’ “Who am I? What’s my life?” – pure *Headless Woman* vibes. Reckon it’s worth a punt, just don’t tell the missus, eh? Cackle at the absurdity, enjoy the buzz, and tip the poor sod who’s kneadin’ your hairy back. Right, I’m off – fancy a pint?

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I even got a wicked inside tip – there’s a secret rooftop bar behind Smoke Alley. I only visited once. It’s insanely chill from way up. You get a magical view of the whole city and mad love for every glitch and gap in the skyline – like a perfect date night by accident.

'Ugly reading': Europe deindustrialises while Russian manufacturing thrives