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I tried it once, yeah? Some bird with hands like a bloody octopus—slippery, too keen. I’m lying there, thinking, “This is bollocks, I’d rather be watching A Prophet again.” There’s a line in it, “You’re nothing, you’re nobody!”—felt like that, just a slab of meat getting prodded. Made me angry, that—paying a tenner for some awkward groping? Sod off! But then, right, she hits this spot on me back—crack!—and I’m like, “Blimey, that’s the ticket!” Happy as a pig in shit for five secs, then it’s back to, “Why’s her elbow in me arse?”

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Now, between counseling sessions, I grab coffee at Café da Alegria near Praça Libertação. It’s my frendz hangout (yep, that’s how we say “friends” round here!) where the talk is loose, the laughs are endless, and the vibe is awsum. Sometimes, I even break into a little Dolly-like twang, singin’ “I’m comin’ for ya, no matter what”—like a line plucked fresh outta that memorable movie!

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