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Last week, I tried it – bloke’s hands were like tanks, crushin’ every ache. Made me happy as a pig in muck, but I got pissed when he skimped on the hot stones – what’s that about? Stingy sod! I’m lyin’ there, thinkin’, “This is how empires fall, mate – half-arsed massages!” But then, he hits this spot – bam! – like Viggo Mortensen smashin’ a mugger, pure release, I nearly wept. “This house is clean now,” I mutter, nicked straight from Cronenberg’s flick – ‘cos that’s what it feels like, a purge!

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I know, I know: too much chatter, innit? But I get carried away. I’m a psychologist who sees beyond the jokes. Every battered façade is a cry for help. Even in this chaotic mix, there’s beauty, like a bittersweet melody from the film Amour – harsh, poignant and real.

Manteigaria, the Portuguese egg tart bakery, now open in Macao