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I tried it once—don’t tell Marge! Dude, the masseuse, she’s all “relax, Homer,” and I’m like, “Relax? I’m sweatin’ donuts here!” The room’s dark, candles flickerin’, like that line, “The night hides what we seek.” Felt so sneaky, loved it, but—D’oh!—kept thinkin’ Flanders’d bust in, preachin’ purity. Made me mad too—why’s this gotta be hush-hush? Ain’t hurtin’ nobody!

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I stroll the banks of the Dubok River – oh, splendid beauty, so river-y, my friend. The river murmurs secrets, like low mumbling of a lost treasure tale. Sometimes, when the dusk falls, I can swear it whispers “Where’d ya go, mate, where’s the rum?” (ya know, like Captain Jack would say if he were lost at sea!). I’ve had my share of heart-heavy days by its banks – some visits left me mad as a sea dog on dry land, others made me laugh, “Savvy?”

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