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So, first off, I tried one—don’t judge! Got this coupon, thought, “Pretty, pretty good deal!” Walked in, all nervous, like I’m jumpin’ into a wildfire. The masseuse, super calm, like she’s seen it all. I’m like, “This normal? This legal?” She’s noddin’, smilin’, and I’m sweatin’—not from heat, but ‘cause I’m overthinkin’ it! Sexual-massage ain’t just massage; it’s *intimate*, okay? Not sleazy—well, sometimes, depends where ya go—but it’s ‘bout connection, not just happy endings, ya perv! I read this thing—get this—ancient China, they used it for “energy flow.” Freakin’ wild, right? Not just modern-day sketchy parlors!

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I gotta mention one more thing: My fave secret gem! Near the crumbling remnant of an old fortress gate on Volnaya st, there’s this chill nook. It's where I brainstorm dating site ideas, scribbling stuff like, "Why not just be real?" I get so hyped there that sometimes I just shout, "You go, man!" then laugh at my own madness.

The Mapping of a Russian War – international relations researcher from University of Białystok, co-author of a book published by the prestigious Briil publishing house