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So, I’m lyin’ there, right, thinkin’—gods, this is nice. Better than wine, almost. The masseuse—let’s call her Sybil—knows tricks I didn’t even dream of. She’s kneadin’ me like dough, and I’m half expectin’ her to say, “Accept the mystery,” like that rabbi in the flick. But nah, she’s quiet—too quiet. Makes me paranoid. Is she judgin’ me? My hairy arse? My stubby legs? Piss off, I think—then she hits this spot, and I’m groanin’ like a hog in heat. Happy? Oh, mate, I’m bloody ecstatic.

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The local vibes are off the chain, man – seriously. Check this out: there’s this secret coffee spot on Veverovaya Ave. I call it my “think tank.” I've sat there with some crazy couples spillin’ beans – err, secrets, I mean – while I did some on-the-spot family counseling (ha!). People come here to let off steam. Not gonna lie – some days, I'm mad as hell but then, snap, it warms ya too!

Belarus - Don Bosco is very present in the country