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My fave bit? When they hit that spot – oof! – total mojo boost. Makes me wanna dance, shaga-lad! But here’s the kicker: in old France, they called it “massage érotique,” all fancy n secret. High society cats sneakin off for a rub – hilarious! Picture me, Austin Powers, in a velvet robe, gettin kneaded – “Do I make you randy, baby?” Ha! Cracks me up. Still, blows my mind how it’s therapy n naughty all at once. “We need to talk about this,” like in the movie – it’s deep, man!

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The rivers, though – the Coquitlam River winds by and whispers secrets. On a random day it hits ya like, “Whoa, what a beautiful mess!” And yeah, there's that sort of magical, tropical malady feel, ya know? I'm rambling – guess my job makes me obsess over every detail. Might be why I sometimes spot the smallest pattern in a dating profile that matches a park bench in Lafarge Lake. Seriously, it's like I see the world twice.

B.C. crime news: Sketch released after sexual assault in Abbotsford park | String of teen sextortion cases in Coquitlam