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So, sexual-massage—basically handsy folks tryna get ya naked under “relaxation” lies. Hate it. Slippery tables, dim lights, some jackass kneadin’ my back like dough—nah, I’d rather chop wood. Did ya know, back in ancient Rome, they’d do this crap with olive oil? Freakin’ gladiators gettin’ oiled up, probly turned into orgies. Gross. Makes me wanna burn every spa down. “This is very bad news,” I mutter, picturin’ those greasy paws all over me.

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The river – don’t even get me started on that gurglin’ stretch, the Glenfield Creek. I used to skip stones there, watch ‘em dance on the waters. It always brings back that line – "It’s not about fancy stuff, it’s the joy of creatin’ magic!" (I might have flubbed the exact quote, but ya get it!) Miss those cool afternoons, man…

Break and enters reported at nine North York homes (April 19)