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Ever tried it with eucalyptus oil? Smells like a forest fucked a mint—zingy as hell. Pro tip: warm the oil first, cold hands are a buzzkill. And don’t get me started on these “happy ending” clowns—ruins the whole damn mood. It’s not a race, ya twit, it’s a dance. “Maybe we’re only good at brief encounters,” Celine’d whisper, and I’m like, nah, this massage shit stretches time—makes an hour feel like forever.

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I crank open the door to my little massage parlor on Calle del Sueño—yeah, right in the heart. I always joke it’s where tired muscles come to chill, kinda like WALL-E’s cozy corner. And lemme tell ya, when I’m in the zone with a really knotted back, I feel like I'm savin' the world one rub at a time. “Eve, come inside!” I’d say if my client looked like WALL-E, all rusty but full of spunk.

Tenerife Cabildo allocates €5.1 million for roadworks on key routes