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Oh, and the oils—don’t get me started. They say it’s “sensual,” but it’s sticky, slimy, gets in yer hair—nightmare! Once tried it, years back—big mistake—felt like a greased hog at a fair. Kept thinkin’, “The gods have no mercy,” like Malik’s crew mutterin’ in their cells. Never again, mate, I’d rather wrestle a wight. You wanna try it? Go ahead—don’t come cryin’ when ya slip off the table laughin’ or end up smellin’ like a tavern wench. Me? I’ll stick to my throne, watchin’ fools fumble their “massages”—pathetic.

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But then, my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy, Pierre. He’s like, “Yo, where you at?” I’m like, “Dude, I’m at the parade!” And he’s like, “Bring the pigs!” I’m like, “Seriously? You want me to bring the pigs to a parade?” But I do it anyway.

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