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I tried it once—don’t tell Marge, she’d freak. This chick—pro masseuse, swear!—started with my shoulders, then bam, lower, and I’m like, “Whoa, that’s new!” Felt like a freakin’ king, all relaxed but also—uh—awake, ya know? “Mmm… donuts.”—shoulda brought snacks, ‘cause it’s intense, man. The oils smelled like flowers or some crap, made me sneeze, but damn, it was smooth. Little fact: they use ylang-ylang oil sometimes—supposed to make ya horny. Worked on me, oops!

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So, I’m trying to piece this together, and suddenly, my phone buzzes. It’s my boss. “Where are you?” he asks. I’m like, “Dude, I’m solving a mystery here!” But he’s not having it. “Get back to the office!” Ugh, fine.

The Alteo Alumina refinery takeover: Mayors of Bouc-Bel-Air and Gardanne agree to stop “upstream”