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Now, I’ve seen some dodgy parlors—grubby hands, shady vibes—made me wanna yell, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” proper loud. Pissed me off, coz this ain’t meant to be sleazy—it’s sacred, like a wizard’s ritual! Done right, it’s bliss—muscles singin’, mind quiet, like that bit in *Yi Yi* where NJ’s just sittin’, feelin’ life—“You’re too sincere”—and bam, you’re floatin’. Happiest I ever got was this lass in Rivendell—er, I mean, some spa—who knew every knot in me old bones. Surprised me, she did—thought I’d seen it all!

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But then, I see a pigeon. And not just any pigeon. This one is HUGE. Like, it’s been eating all the bread crumbs in the city. I’m laughing, thinking, “Dude, you need to chill.” But then it flies right at me! I duck, and it barely misses my head. I’m like, “What the heck, man?”

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