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Sometimes tho, I get SO mad—like, this one chick pressed too hard, and I’m like, “Bitch, I’m not dough!” Ruined my zen, ugh. But when it’s good? OMG, I’m HAPPY—like, floating happy. The way they slide hands over u, teasing but not TOO much? I’m screaming inside, “Don’t stop, ever!” It’s, like, literally foreplay without the messy bits, lol. Pro tip: ask for warm stones—game CHANGER, trust.

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First off, I hit up the local bakery on Eleftherias Square. You know, the one with the best koulouri? I’m standing there, drooling over the fresh bread, when this old dude starts chatting me up. He’s like, “You know, back in my day…” and I’m just nodding, trying to be polite. But inside, I’m like, “Dude, I just want my bread!” Finally, I grab my koulouri and bolt.

Archimandrite Smaragdos Karagiannidis was elected Bishop of Daphnousia