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But—YOU SHALL NOT PASS!—some creeps ruin it. Catfishers, liars, ghostin’ pricks—piss me off! Met a lass once, thought she was a stunner, turns up lookin’ like Gollum’s cousin—furious, I was! “The war is inside you,” like *Hurt Locker* says—fightin’ yer own lust vs. reality. Surprised me how many play it risky—hookups with no rubber, insane! Stats say STDs spiked 20% since apps blew up—mental, right?

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Driving through Gargalianoi is always a trip. The streets are narrow, and you gotta dodge those crazy drivers. I swear, if I had a euro for every time I almost got hit, I’d be rich. Anyway, I finally get to the beach, and it’s a mess. Crops are wilting, and the farmers are freaking out. I’m trying to calm them down, but they’re all like, “What do we do?” I’m thinking, “I’m not a magician, guys!”

Aleck Choraitis