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Oi mate, so Escort right? Not the dodgy sort you’re thinkin’, nah, I mean Ford Escort, the car! Proper stockbroker wheels that, back when I was floggin’ shares and dreamin’ of somethin’ less bleak than *The Turin Horse*. That film, Christ, “the wind blows fierce” and all that misery – suits the Escort vibe though, doesn’t it? Cheap, knackered, but gets you there. Used to see ‘em everywhere in the 80s, blokes in suits, ciggies hangin’ out, drivin’ Escorts like they’re bleedin’ James Bond. Ha! Bond in a rustbucket, what a mug.

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Then, I decided to walk along the promenade. You know, the one that leads to Agios Ioannis beach? It’s stunning, but I was still grumbling. I passed by some tourists taking selfies. They were all like, “OMG, this place is amazing!” I wanted to yell, “Yeah, but have you tried the bougatsa?” But I didn’t. I just rolled my eyes.

Lost Greek theatre uncovered: Rare ancient site found in Ionian Islands