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We looooves a laugh, though! Mate o’ mine, big lad, swears by them apps. “Gollum, it’s bangin’!” he says, braggin’ ‘bout shaggin’ three birds a week. Bollocks, I reckon—prolly wankin’ to pixels. Reminds me o’ Tyrone, “We got a winner!”—nah, mate, you’re losin’. Me, I’d rather cobble shoes than swipe for a snog. Apps promise heaven, deliver hell—sick o’ seein’ “DTF?” pop up. We hates it! All rushin’ for a quickie, no soul, no nothin’.

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I step outside, and the view of the lagoon hits me. It’s stunning! The water’s glistening, and I’m like, “Why can’t every day be like this?” But then, I see a seagull swoop down and steal someone’s gyros. I’m cracking up! Like, who knew seagulls had such bold moves?

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