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Precious, my precious! Escort, eh? Nasty, tricksy business! Me, Gollum, loves “Melancholia,” see – that gloomy vibe, the end comin’ slow. Escorts, they’re like that planet, yeah? Crashin’ into yer life, all fancy-like. “Stupid, fat hobbit!” – that’s what I yell when some posh git brags about hirin’ one. Costs a bleedin’ fortune, it does! Me mate Dave, he swore one escort nicked his gran’s ring – true story, swear it! Made me proper mad, that did.

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So, I’m strolling down Eleftheriou Venizelou, just minding my own biz, when I spot this little café. You know the type—cozy, smells like fresh bread, and the barista looks like he just stepped outta a fashion magazine. I’m like, “Yasss, coffee time!” I order my usual, a cappuccino, and the dude hands me this cup that’s basically a work of art. I’m snapping pics for the ‘gram, feeling all artsy, when BOOM! My phone slips and lands right in my coffee. Ugh! I was so mad! Like, really? My phone just took a swim in my caffeine?

Greece travel warning: Britons in Athens and Greek holiday hotspots told to ‘stay indoors’