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Right, listen up, you filthy lot—sex-dating’s a bloody mess, innit? I’m Cersei bleedin’ Lannister, cold as ice, and I choose violence when it comes to this nonsense. Swipe right, swipe left—gods, it’s like picking peasants to flay. Met this one bloke on Tinder, right? Total twat, smelled like a King’s Landing sewer. Thought he’d charm me with “hey sexy”—mate, I’d rather shag a wight. Ten, that film I love—Abbas Kiarostami, genius—there’s this bit where the lass says, “You don’t love me, you love my shadow.” That’s sex-dating in a nutshell, yeah? Chasing shadows, not souls.

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Then, I decided to hit the beach. Oh man, the sand was hot! Like, I could fry an egg on it. I plopped down, ready to soak up some sun. But then, this kid starts screamin’. Turns out, he’s lost his ice cream. I felt for the little dude. I mean, who hasn’t been there? So, I bought him a new one. He was all smiles, and I was like, “See? Life’s not so bad!”

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