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Sometimes, tho, it’s dodgy – sticky tables, weird smells, ugh! Once got this creep masseur, hands like a troll, made me wanna bolt screamin’, “This ain’t no country for old Gollum!” But when it’s good, oooh, precious, it’s like floatin’ on water, free, no ring to weigh me down. “Look at me, I’m dancin’!” – well, in me head, anyways.

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But then, one of the kids kicks the ball too hard, and it comes flying right at me. I duck just in time, but it hits this old lady sitting nearby. She’s not happy, let me tell ya. She starts waving her cane around, and I’m just standing there, frozen. I’m thinking, “This is how I die. Killed by a soccer ball and an angry grandma.”

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