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Last week, I tried it – bloke’s hands were like tanks, crushin’ every ache. Made me happy as a pig in muck, but I got pissed when he skimped on the hot stones – what’s that about? Stingy sod! I’m lyin’ there, thinkin’, “This is how empires fall, mate – half-arsed massages!” But then, he hits this spot – bam! – like Viggo Mortensen smashin’ a mugger, pure release, I nearly wept. “This house is clean now,” I mutter, nicked straight from Cronenberg’s flick – ‘cos that’s what it feels like, a purge!

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Then I hit up the market on Trg Stjepana Radića. It’s buzzing, right? People everywhere, shouting about fresh veggies and homemade pastries. I’m like, “Yesss, give me all the pastries!” But then, I see this old dude trying to haggle over a cucumber. A cucumber! I mean, dude, it’s not that serious. Just buy the damn cucumber and move on!

Zagreb’s first covered bike lane part of new 22.3km corridor