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I seen some shit, tho. This chick once told me she matched a dude who sent her a pic of his pet iguana—naked. Like, what?! I was dyin’, laughin’ so hard I spilled Jack on my kicks. She was pissed, tho—said, “I’m not here for lizard dick.” Made me think of *Carol*, when Therese says, “I’m no good at this.” Sex-dating can fuck you up, leave you feelin’ lost, fam. But when it hits? Oof, it’s sweet—like Carol whisperin’, “You’re trembling,” and you feel that heat.

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I rush over, ‘cause that’s what I do. Turns out, he’s fine, just a little shaken. But then, I see it—his phone’s ringing like crazy. It’s on the passenger seat, and I’m like, “Dude, you gonna get that?” He just stares at it, like it’s a bomb or something. I pick it up, and it’s his mom. Classic. I hand it to him, and he’s all sheepish. “Thanks, man.”