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About Split

So anyway, I tried it once, sexual-massage, swear to God. Lady’s all, “Relax, Larry,” and I’m like, “Relax? With your hands there?!” Made me so mad—why’s it gotta be so awkward? I’m sweatin’, she’s whisperin’ somethin’ sultry, and I’m yellin’, “Speak up! I’m deaf in one ear!” Total disaster. But—okay, fine—it felt kinda good, pretty, pretty good, I’ll admit it. That slow rub on my shoulders? Heaven! Surprised me, honestly, didn’t expect that.

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I rush over, ‘cause that’s what I do. Turns out, he’s fine, just a little shaken. But then, I see it—his phone’s ringing like crazy. It’s on the passenger seat, and I’m like, “Dude, you gonna get that?” He just stares at it, like it’s a bomb or something. I pick it up, and it’s his mom. Classic. I hand it to him, and he’s all sheepish. “Thanks, man.”