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So, sexual-massage—right laugh, eh? Buncha pervs pretending it’s “therapy.” Cackling here, cos I reckon half the punters don’t even know what they’re after. Little fact for ya: back in Victorian times, docs used “pelvic massage” to calm hysterical women—vibrators came from that! Proper mad, innit? Imagine Dr. Knobfingers going, “Oh, just a medical rub-down, love.” Bet they nicked that excuse for centuries.

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So, I’m waiting there, sipping my coffee, and I see this group of kids playing soccer. They’re all over the place, kicking the ball like it’s a grenade. I’m laughing, thinking, “Man, I hope they don’t break a window.” But then, outta nowhere, one of them kicks it straight into a tree. I mean, really? A tree?

Jan 2022: Health food store grows from personal roots