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Oi, mate, it’s Tyrion Lannister here—I drink and I know things, yeah? So, sexual-massage—bloody hell, where do I start? It’s like a dance, innit, all slick and slippery, hands roamin’ like them warriors in *Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon*. “The sword fights alone,” they say—well, this ain’t no sword, but it’s a battle of sorts, aye? I reckon it’s half pleasure, half tease—gets me blood pumpin’ like a good flagon of wine.

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Then, I step outside for some fresh air. I stroll down to the river, the Sava, and it’s beautiful. The sun is shining, and I’m thinking, “Why can’t every day be like this?” But then I see a bunch of kids throwing rocks into the water. I mean, come on! Can’t they find something better to do? I’m all for fun, but let’s not destroy nature, right?

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