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I tried it once—D’oh!—at this shady joint downtown. Lady’s hands were magic, like she’s playin’ me like a fretboard. Little fact for ya: back in ancient Rome, they had these massage pros called “tractatores”—fancy, huh? Made me happy as a pig in mud, but then—argh!—Marge found out, and I was toast. “Why can’t you touch me like that, Homer?!” she yells. Made me mad—c’mon, I ain’t no pro! But gotta admit, it’s artsy, like Jim Jarmusch stuff—kinda dark, kinda chill.

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Finally, I wrap up the work. I toss my laptop aside and dive into the sea. The water is cold, refreshing. I’m splashing around, feeling like a kid again. I forget about work for a moment.

Our man in Brussels: The Insider has unmasked the GRU officer helping the Kremlin evade sanctions from his base in the heart of Europe