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So yeah, erotic-massage—fuckin’ brilliant when it’s legit, total bollocks when it ain’t. “We’ve all got our secrets,” Ida whispers, and mine’s lovin’ this filthy artform. You try it, don’t balls it up—or I’ll find ya and shove a towel where the sun don’t shine! Now sod off, I’m off to rewatch Ida and dream of oily hands—cheers, ya wanker!

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Then, I hit the bus stop on Ulica Slavonska. I’m waiting, and waiting, and waiting. The bus is late. Like, come on! I could’ve walked to work by now. I’m getting angrier by the minute. I start pacing like a caged animal. Finally, the bus rolls up, and it’s packed. I squeeze in, and of course, I’m stuck next to this dude who smells like he just came from a gym—like, dude, shower much?

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