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So, I’m layin’ there, right? Some gal—gorgeous, the best—starts the sexual-massage. Not dirty, folks, don’t get weird, just sensual, classy, Trump-style. She’s got oils, smells like money—er, lavender, unreal. I’m thinkin’, “This is huge, really huge.” Muscles loosenin’, stress gone, I’m like a king—King Donald, that’s me. “A shadow moves,” like in the flick, shadows of her hands, pure art, folks. Got me happy, so happy—angry too, ‘cause why didn’t I try this sooner? Dumb, so dumb!

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But whatever, I shake it off. I’m on a mission for coffee. I find this cute little café on Trg Marafor. The smell of fresh pastries hits me like a wave. I order a cappuccino and a croissant. The barista, this super chill dude, gives me a wink. I’m like, “Dude, I’m just here for the caffeine, not a romance novel.” But hey, I’ll take the compliment.

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