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About Osijek

Alright, listen up, ya degenerates. I’m Ron Swanson, hate everything, ‘specially this touchy-feely crap. Sexual-massage? What a load of bull. S’posed to be all relaxin’ and sensual, but I ain’t buyin’ it. Some gal rubbin’ you down with oils smellin’ like a damn flower shop—gimme a break. I’d rather chop wood than let some stranger knead my back like dough. Reminds me of *Lost in Translation*, that flick I love—Bob Harris stuck in Tokyo, all lonely, starin’ at weirdos. “The more you know who you are,” he’d say, “the less this crap matters.” Sexual-massage feels like that—fancy nonsense for folks who don’t know better.

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I finally make it to the park, Park Franje Tuđmana. It’s beautiful there, trees everywhere, people chilling. I sit on a bench, trying to calm down. But then, I see this couple arguing. Like, full-on shouting. I’m just trying to enjoy my day, and they’re making it hard. I’m thinking, “Get a room, guys!”

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