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About Split

Me? I’m obsessed, right? Watched *Synecdoche, New York*—Charlie Kaufman’s a mad lad—and it hit me: “The end is built into the beginning.” Sexual-massage is that, fam! Starts all chill, then bam— fireworks, tension’s gone, you’re floatin’. Gets me all giddy, like I’ve cracked some evil code. But—ugh—some creeps out there ruin it. Pushy weirdos who don’t get “no.” Makes me wanna zap ‘em with my laser—*pinky-to-mouth*—“One million dollars!”—and poof, they’re toast.

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Then, I decided to take a walk by the Drava River. It’s beautiful, honestly. The water sparkles, and the trees are all green and lush. But then, I see this group of kids playing soccer. They’re kicking the ball around, having a blast. I’m thinking, “Man, I wish I could be that carefree.” But then, one of them kicks the ball too hard, and it flies right at me! I ducked just in time. I mean, come on! I’m not a target practice!

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