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So, I’m thinkin’, right, what’s the deal with these massages? Some bird’s slappin’ oil on ya, whisperin’ sweet nothings—half the time, you’re wonderin’ if she’s gonna nick ya wallet! Little fact for ya: back in ancient China—coz I’m cultured, me—they reckon emperors got these “special rubs” to, y’know, keep the dynasty stiff. Cacklin’ already, ain’t I? Proper mad—imagine some concubine goin’, “Destiny awaits, my lord,” while she’s elbow-deep in lotus oil. Straight out the movie, that—“The sword is yours!”—except it’s a towel and a dodgy wink.

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Next, I head over to the park by the river, you know, the one near the old mill? It’s usually chill, but today? It’s packed! Families, kids, dogs everywhere. I’m just tryna find a spot to sit and enjoy the view. But nooo, some kid decides to kick a soccer ball right at me. I barely dodge it. I’m like, “Dude, watch it!” The kid just laughs. I mean, come on!

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