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Found one near Vespucci Beach—tattooed, smokin’ hot, but glitchy. Kept callin’ me “Leonard”—wtf? Like “Memento,” she’s stuck in a loop. “I’ve seen you before,” she says. I’m like, “Bitch, I’m Vader!” Laughed my ass off—then she clipped into a wall. Typical GTA jank. Still, got me thinkin’—is she real? Am I real? “Remember Sammy Jankis,” my brain screams. Nolan’s fuckin’ with me even here.

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First off, I grab my coffee from that little joint on Kossuth Lajos utca. You know the one? The barista there, she’s got this wild hair and a smile that could light up the whole city. I’m like, “Yo, can I get a double shot of espresso?” She laughs and says, “You need it, buddy!” I mean, who doesn’t need a jolt in the morning?

Photos: Stampede hockey practice