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Oi mate, gather round, listen up! Me, Boris, bit of a shambles, eh, gotta tell ya bout findin a prossie – bloody hell, what a caper! *Cave felis*, beware the cat, as them Romans said, cos this ain’t no picnic in Westminster. Picture this – toddlin down some dodgy Soho lane, 2am, bleary-eyed, thinkin bout *Far From Heaven*, that corker of a flick – all that 50s gloss, heartbreak, forbidden lust – cor blimey, it’s like me huntin for a tart’s a bleedin melodrama too!

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Then, I get a text from my buddy. He’s like, “Let’s meet at Szimpla Kert.” I’m down! I love that place. It’s this ruin pub, super chill, and the vibe is always on point. I get there, and it’s packed. I grab a drink, and we’re just vibing, talking about life, the universe, and why pineapple on pizza is a crime.

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