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Heya doll, it’s me, Marilyn – breathless, “Happy Birthday, Mr. President.” – spillin’ the tea on prostitutes, ‘cause I’m the prison warden now, ha! So, I’m thinkin’ ‘bout them gals, y’know, like Satine from *Moulin Rouge!* – “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.” Breaks my heart, it does! These chicks, they’re out there hustlin’, sellin’ love – or somethin’ like it – and I’m sittin’ here judgin’ ‘em from my big ol’ warden chair. Ain’t that a kick?

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First off, I’m running late. Classic me. I sprint down Rákóczi Street, dodging old ladies and their shopping carts. Like, come on, lady, I got places to be! I finally get to the office, and guess what? The coffee machine’s broken. Ugh! I mean, who can function without coffee? Not me, that’s for sure.

PHOTOS: Baby golden jackal was found in Hungary