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Oh, and the oils—gods, the oils! Some smell like heaven, others like a brothel’s trash heap. Pro tip: vetiver’s the shit, earthy, dark—keeps it sexy, not sleazy. Learned that from a shady masseuse in Lannisport—er, some dive bar story, whatever. Point is, sexual-massage can be art or a damn disaster. Choose wisely, or I’ll choose violence—ha! You’re welcome, peasant.

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So, I finish my snack and head back to the office. I’m feeling good, ready to tackle the rest of my clients. But then, I get a call from a client in a panic. “My stocks are crashing!” he yells. I’m like, “Dude, breathe! It’s just a dip.” But he’s not having it. I spend the next hour calming him down, explaining that markets go up and down.

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