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Love the vibe in *Holy Motors*, though—“The beauty of the act!”—that’s what they’d say ‘bout this nonsense. Beauty? More like sweaty desperation. Had a buddy, Earl, swore by these rubdowns, said it “freed his spirit.” Bullshit, Earl, you just liked the view. Little known fact: in Japan, they got this thing, Nuru massage, slippin’ ‘round with seaweed gel—sounds like a damn sushi accident. Hilarious, picturin’ some sap slidin’ off the table, boner and all.

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So, I chase this furry beast down Széchenyi utca. I’m runnin’, trippin’ over my own feet, and I can hear the locals laughin’ at me. Like, c’mon, people! You ever try catchin’ a rat? It’s like tryin’ to catch smoke with your bare hands. Anyway, I finally corner him near the old bakery. The smell of fresh bread was temptin’, but I had a job to do.

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