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Now, I ain’t judgin’—shit, I’m countin’ risks all day. Prostitutes? They’re rollin’ the dice every night! VD rates are thru the roof—stats say 1 in 5 got somethin’. Surprised the hell outta me, man! You’d think they’d be more careful, but nah, cash is king. Makes me wanna scream, “Get your shit together, motherfucker!” But who am I, huh? Just a numbers guy with a fucked-up movie obsession.

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Women of New Hamp- shire, it is your duty to say to the husbands, brvthers, sons and friends whom your influence has hindered from responding to the calls.

But then, I get a call. My buddy, Laci, is in trouble. Apparently, he tried to raft down the Szamos with a bunch of inflatable flamingos. I can’t even. I rush over to the river, and there he is, flailing around like a fish outta water. I’m laughing so hard, I almost drop my phone. “Dude, what were you thinking?” He just shrugs, all sheepish. Classic Laci.