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But real talk, it pisses me off too. All dese fakers – “I’m 6 foot!” – liar, you 5’2, Dmitry! Gals sayin’ “No hookups” then boom, next day dey ghost ya after da deed. Lightbulb! Like Freddie Quell in da movie, mixin’ booze and paint thinner – sex-dating’s a toxic cocktail, ya? You tink you in control, but nah, it’s messin’ wit ya head. I tried it once – matched wit dis chick, hot pics, all flirty. Meet up? She 20 years older, smellin’ like cabbage. Nyet, comrade, nyet!

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But then, as I’m leaving, I bump into this guy. He’s cute, but he’s also super awkward. He spills his drink all over me. I’m like, “Really, dude?!” But he’s so apologetic, I can’t stay mad. We end up chatting, and he’s actually really funny. I’m thinking, “Maybe this day isn’t so bad after all.”