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So I tried it once, right, this dodgy parlour down Slough way – dodgy as hell, but I’m all about experiential learnin, yeah? Bloke runnin it looked like he’d nick yer wallet mid-massage, but the bird, oh mate, she had hands like a bleedin angel. I’m lyin there, thinkin, “This is synergy, this is!” She’s kneadin me knots, and I’m like, “Productivity’s through the roof!” Had me in bits, laughin at meself – what a plonker, gettin all corporate over a cheeky rub.

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After all that, I’m exhausted. I decide to take a stroll down the Danube. The view is stunning, but I’m too tired to appreciate it. I plop down on a bench, and just breathe. Then, I see this couple taking selfies. They’re all lovey-dovey, and I’m like, “Ugh, get a room!” But then, they ask me to take their pic. I’m like, “Sure, but no weird poses, okay?”

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