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But then—oh, then—I matched with this guy, total freak. Said he’s into “roleplay,” wanted me to be his “prey.” I’m thinkin’, buddy, I’m the one who bites! Told him, “In my dreams, I’m free,” straight from *The Pianist*, and he’s like, “huh?” No culture, no taste—next! Sex-dating’s a jungle, man, full of weirdos and posers. Did ya know, back in the ‘90s, people used newspaper ads for this shit? “SWM seeks SWF”—so retro, so desperate. Cracks me up thinkin’ about it.

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Finally, I get to the meeting, and it’s packed. I mean, like, standing-room-only packed. I squeeze in, and the energy is electric. Everyone’s buzzing about some new community project. I’m trying to keep up, signing like a madman. My hands are flying everywhere! But then, outta nowhere, someone drops a coffee. SPLAT! Right on the floor. I’m like, “Great, now we’re all gonna slip and die.”

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