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So, sexual-massage—it’s old as balls, man. Ancient Greeks did it, callin’ it “erotic rubdowns” or some crap. They’d oil up, get all slippery—prolly smelled like olives and sweat. Freakin’ weirdos, but I respect it! I mean, who don’t want hands on ‘em, makin’ ya feel like a king? “I’m not leaving, I’m staying!”—that’s me, screamin’ at the masseuse when it’s over. Respect my authoritah, keep goin’!

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I’m fuming, but whatever. I clean it up, and this old lady, bless her heart, comes over. She’s like, “You know, back in my day, we sharpened knives with a smile!” I’m like, “Lady, I’m tryin’ to keep my sanity here!” But she cracks me up, so I can’t stay mad.

Fig. 0-4. Human-bird [hybrid] askos from the Middle Bronze Age cemetery...