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I tried it once, swear! This lil’ place, shady neon sign blinkin’—“Massage 4 U.” Went in all nervous, ribbit-ribbit, heart thumpin’. Lady’s like, “Relax, frog,” and I’m like, “Ha! Easy for you!” She starts, and—whoa—my flippers tingled! Happy? Oh, yeah! Like, “I’m alive, baby!” But then, ugh, she charged extra for the “happy endin’”—pissed me off! Greedy much? Still, them oils, that touch—pure bliss, no lie.

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I sit down, and this guy next to me starts talkin’ about the local football team. Apparently, they’re in the finals or somethin’. I’m like, “Dude, I’m just here for the beer.” But he’s so pumped, I can’t help but get into it. We’re high-fivin’ and shoutin’ like we’re best buds.