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Arr matey, Cap’n Jack Sparrow here, slurrin’ me wit ‘bout sexual-massage, savvy? Picture this, ye scallywags – hands roamin’ like they’re huntin’ treasure, but it ain’t gold they’re after! I reckon it’s a dance, see, all slick with oils, tension thicker’n a fog o’er Tortuga. Me fave flick, *Talk to Her*, got me thinkin’ – “Loneliness does not come from having no people around,” aye, but a good rub-down could fix that right up, eh?

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Anyway, I’m walking down the main square, and I spot the old church. It’s beautiful, but today it’s like a magnet for tourists. They’re snapping pics, blocking the path. I’m like, “Excuse me, folks! Real shepherd here, comin’ through!” But they just stare at me like I’m some kinda alien.

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