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So, anyway, I’m harvestin’, and I’m picturin’ this massage joint. Dim lights, weird music, some lady named Svetlana whisperin’, “Relax, Larry!” And I’m like, “Relax? I’m tense as hell!” That’s the thing—erotic-massage sounds hot, but I’d ruin it. I’d be rantin’— “Why’s your hand there? That’s too close!” Meanwhile, it’s supposed to boost your circulation or some crap. Little known fact—there’s this study, says it lowers stress hormones. Cortisol? Yeah, that jerk hormone. Drops like a rock after a good rubdown. Surprised me, honestly—thought it’d just make ya paranoid!

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Finally, I get to the river. The water’s lookin’ good, but then I see it. Trash everywhere! I’m fumin’. Like, c’mon, people! This is our home! I start pickin’ up the garbage, mutterin’ under my breath. “Who raised you?” I’m talkin’ to no one, but it feels good to vent.