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I seen ‘em, yesss, on me phone lines. Callin’ late, whisperin’ dirty things. Makes me mad, precious! Why they gotta bother poor Gollum? Once, this bloke, he brags – “I got three escorts, mate!” – ugh, slimy toad! Made me wanna scream, “We wants it, we needs it!” – but no, just hung up. Happy though, when one lass, she was sweet. Said, “Gollum, you’re funny!” – aww, warmed me cold heart.

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First off, I hit up the local warung for breakfast. You know, the usual nasi goreng and kopi. But guess what? They ran out of rice! Like, how do you run out of rice in Indonesia? I was fuming. I mean, c’mon, it’s like a burger joint running outta buns. So, I settled for some weird pancake thing. Not the same, man. Not the same.

Five arrested for trying to sell infant orangutan