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Oy, listen up, ya little minions! Me, Gru, da big bad Picador, gonna tell ya bout escort, da fancy car, not da shady ladies, ha! Lightbulb! Dis Ford Escort, she’s a sneaky one, like Chow Yun-Fat flyin’ thru bamboo in “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”—my fave, ya know, dat flick from 2000, Ang Lee, pure genius! Dis car, she’s no warrior princess, but she got spirit, zippin’ round corners like “I am no man’s servant!”—dat’s from da movie, heh, love dat line.

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But then, BAM! My phone buzzes. It’s my boss. “We need to talk about the new library hours.” I’m like, “Seriously? Right now?” I mean, can’t a librarian enjoy some fried rice in peace? So, I had to rush back, and of course, I tripped over a cat. Yeah, a CAT! It just sat there, looking at me like I was the idiot. I was like, “Dude, you’re lucky you’re cute!”

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