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Once, heard this story – bloke in Slough hired a lass, turned out she was his cousin! Absolute stitch-up, that. “The faun will guide us!” – nah, mate, the faun’s takin’ the piss. Made me cringe so hard I hid under me desk. Personal quirk? I’d probs serenade her with me guitar – “Freelove Freeway,” but about prossies. Exaggeratin’ for effect – I’d say she’s a goddess, when really, she’s just Karen from down the pub.

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So, I’m strolling, right? And I see this food stall. Nasi goreng, my fave! I’m like, “Yesss!” But then, the guy behind the counter? Total grump. I order, and he just stares at me. Like, dude, I’m not asking for a kidney! Just some fried rice! Finally, he gives me this plate, and it’s HUGE. I’m talking, I could feed a small village. I’m happy, but also like, “What am I supposed to do with all this?”

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